The chance to be intimate (with you) actualized. An encounter, for which I had prayed and yet could not follow through, left me dumbfounded.

In the hours and days that followed, I could have and probably did attribute my unexpected inertia to morals and not wanting to lose... something; whatever it is, it eludes me at this moment of writing. 

The need to avoid the truth was so strong, that I repeated these bullshit 'lies' in my head every time I remembered. 

I did not have to acknowledge to myself the real issue and could continue living my life on some kind of auto-pilot mode. 

But (un)fortunately, avoidance, the panacea for most of my intimate hurts, could not be applied to this encounter. 

As much and as often as  I tried to convince myself of the stupid 'reasons' why I chose not to have the experience that I wanted with you, the real issue kept on nagging at me in my soul's past.

It is time to lay the past to rest.