This morning, I sat with a to-do list that characterised the usual Friday activities. Then the phone buzzed indicating an incoming message.
Answering the unexpected message, I never could have imagined the journey on which I was about to embark.
As the back and forth of messages began and continued I was filled with shame. I had allowed the very potent and destructive feelings of anger, worthlessness and entitlement to take control over me for over one year. The result, losing the one thing that I swore never to, not even for a guaranteed place in heaven- my dignity and my self-respect. And in so doing had participated in the demeaning of a human being- Child of God just like me with faults, fears and pain, with the affect of belittling this person.
When the episode of exchanging messages had finished, I was left an inconsolable mess clinging to my pillow for dear life. Not only had I been complicit in th
My own pathetic sense of entitlement and justice
just after firing off a message this morning
that did no less than demean a soul. Be careful
how you speak your truth. It is never worth it.
You have seen my love expressed in words for my sister and my father. But not yet for my mother. I had actually wanted to do a 'big production' for her for her birthday in May, but this morning's unforeseen events have thrown a spanner in the works, even though I am sure I will do a damn good deed come May.
You see, my mother is a woman for whom I have the deepest, deepest, deepest respect. Not even my one true beloved, my soul mate for a thousand lifetimes past and to come- my sister could take this title. My mother, having suffered immeasurable pain by the ones that she loved "more than herself" had accomplished a feat that my pathetic entitled soul is yet to learn- forgiveness.
With every blow suffered, my mother ( and I am so damn grateful to God and the universe for letting me witness this amazing woman's courage) with every bit of grace and class and wit, forgave.
She kept her emotional seams in tack, when for mere less atrocities suffered by other women seams have been burst. And this even when, the persons that she had placed all of her trust, my sister and I, hurt or disappointed her with our words and/or actions. Yet still, her love remained unflinching and steadfast- only getting stronger and more committed.
And for the subject of her pain, the same result was experienced.
I for many years when I was young could not understand or even fathom such "a stupid" way of doing things. "Can't you stand up for yourself?" is what I often said to my mother, to which she would say, "love, and for what? To be something that I am not. I was not raised that way and it is not who I am".
You will never understand how that resonated with me. There are no words again, to describe the profound respect that I have for her and just how proud I am of her. No words.
And even with that impact on me, for the better part of a year and a half, I failed to live up to her example. And this morning paid the bitter price for it.
Whatever you do in this thing called life, before you seek retribution and proof to substantiate your anger and sheer despair, forgive.
The bitterness of the waters of unforgiveness are far more unpalatable than the courage to truly forgive someone and not perpetuate a feeling of loss of dignity or self-respect in someone, knowing that they too share the same foibles, pain, despair albeit expressed in their own unique way.
Learn from my mistakes and forgive.
Starting this blog, I came to you with the mantra of 'Be Inspired'. Today I learned that that mantra is only for the strong people like my mother, lessons from whom if I had learned I would not be suffering the sheer agony experienced at this very moment and the painful reality of knowing that I am a weak coward.
I am sorry JDS and forgive me.
Petra Marie…Inspired Be